At the End of the Day

August 26, 2007 - Sunday                  

Current mood:reflective

Most of the time, I try to stay on the positive side, especially with writing. But sometimes...I don't feel like it. So, you faithful readers, whoever and wherever you are--and IF you are (ha!), you are about to meet...my darker side...dundundun! :)

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing this whole life thing right. I mean, how can you ever know? It seems that you can't really know for sure if you are making the right choice until you jump in. (I am talking here about life decisions rather than moral decisions.) I guess I've never been one to enjoy life decisions much, but especially when I have to commit to something before I have all the information--for example, changing a major, or going back to school, or deciding which kind of dessert I want. But it's impossible to get all the information. I will always reach a point where I must take the leap without knowing for sure what will happen on the other side. But I don't like it.

And many times I wonder: Why can't I just know what I want to do--or know what God is calling me to do--in a more specific sense? What's with the guessing game? Though I have heard this question from others and discussed it many times, I don't think there are any easy answers. But if nothing else, perhaps it is the "thorn in my flesh" that drives me back to my Savior. It's so hard to submit to that kind of discipline. And I'm tired. And how am I supposed to keep running the race when I can't see where I'm going? I can see the big mountain ahead--we'll call that Heaven, the ultimate goal and prize--but the road disappears somewhere between here and there...and there's no one around who can tell me the way or go with me--or that's how it can feel sometimes. Just me and the disappearing road in front, and the disappearing road behind...How do I hold onto anything? Friendships and ideals seem to fade away as the years roll on and transition melts into transition.

The one thing I can say for sure in all of this--my need for Jesus is very clear right now. This "thorn in the flesh" means I need Him more than ever. I need Him to show me the way, to be my Friend who stays with me, to encourage me to keep going and growing. He alone can fill the needs of my heart, and steady me in this shifting sand. I guess at the end of the day, I am blessed.